2019: Three Hundred and Forty Six

I detest being emotionally guilt-tripped into doing anything. I’ve noticed, however, that my parents employ the trick whenever they want me to do something I don’t want to do, inherently. And I’ve noticed my urge to resist that guilt-tripping has reduced with age, the guilt-factor becoming far more, and my caving-in becoming more frequent. This isn’t to say that they guilt-trip me often, but that when they do choose to do so: it’ll have a 100% success-rate. I dislike that. I also particularly dislike the fact that it comes down to the emotional plea at all. More often than not the scenario is such: a parent will make plans, I will be pooled into the plan without my knowledge, oppose the plan altogether, and then end up going anyway because of a guilt-trip. Sometimes, the scenario is more me just saying No to things because I have extreme inertia. It’s very, very difficult to get me out of the house. Once I’m out of the house though, more frequently than anything else – I don’t really display a desire to go home.

Today, I was the subject of an emotional plea to participate in an event I displayed a little reluctance (not too much) for. My mother launched it upon me, out of nowhere. I told her I didn’t like it, especially because I’ve heard the same plea numerous times as a young adult (particularly around Grades 11 and 12, when I launched into my studies like it was nobody’s business), and because it was frustrating for me that I let it come to that. Except, when she asked me why I disliked the fact that she used an emotional angle – I had no response.

Right now, I do.

I was actually really frustrated at myself in that moment, because I didn’t like that she felt the need to use the emotional plea in the first place. She hadn’t asked for much. She usually doesn’t. My parents generally do not ask for too much: they’re very, very straightforward when they do. As the years have passed, I’m fortunate that our relationship has developed insofar as they understand when I don’t want to do things, and they haven’t forced too many experiences on me.

I don’t like being asked to do things on the basis of the emotion overriding things. I’d rather just be asked to do things and then, do the thing. That way the focus is on the thing rather than the emotion involved in getting me there.

It’s too much effort.

One of the things my mom told me is that I need to be saying “Yes” to things more. Maybe I’ll start doing that today and see the kind of things it opens up for me.


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