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I overthink decisions.

It’s one of the reasons I struggle to deal with rejection and find it tough to come to terms with approval,

Because acceptance to me is not merely a word, but an emotion,

That carries so much associated value.

Acceptance to me is,

That fat chubby kid being allowed to play striker even though his left foot is the weakest,

And the ball is not his

And that same fat chubby kid not being yelled at,

As he runs away from the ball because you put him in goal and,

He is scared of breaking his glasses.

To me, it’s a sign to,

The Tejas from 10 years ago who lied to his parents and often to friends that

He does not need to lie about himself and his considerations any more.

At its core, acceptance

Is the definition of not caring one bit about judgment

And not being swayed by peer pressure,

Because at its very heart

Acceptance is self-validation of who you are.

 

I overthink decisions,

So going out for me is not as easy as it is for others,

Yes is not an instant reaction to a planned escapade or the spontaneity of plans that are made,

But a calculated decision and a cost-benefit analysis of everything that could possibly take places and a slow,

Slow,

Factoring in of each and every ounce of utility I will experience

And the decision is based on which way the scales tilt

 

I overthink decisions,

The scales often tilt away from the convenient option, and my brain responds with a

No,

A No that is rarely understood,

A No that prompts backlash and rejection, and several layers of rejection because

I’m unable to explain how and what my brain has computed and why,

So it is often that I find myself,

Having to accept rejection and feel guilty,

But not feel so guilty,

Because since I’ve been a child,

Self-validation is all that’s ever mattered to me.

Let me know what you think!

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