10/365

Cold water isn’t half as bad as unevenly warm water. Your body is a weird thermostat, different parts understand temperature very differently. And unevenly warm water screws with you. And your back.

You’ve probably guessed, but I’ll state this explicitly anyway: I had unevenly warm water this morning. And I was most certainly not prepared.

Anyway. Today’s thoughts have also been all over the place, so here’s some conscious effort to give this piece a singular flow.

I’ll start off first with the car. My mum informed me that we sold our car yesterday, for various reasons. That hit me pretty weirdly  – I’d never driven the car personally, but it was how I got around. To imagine that being driven away created a type of emptiness I still can’t put into words.

My parents love creating rules. They always have. And I love following rules. I like arguing about them (half the reason I’m a law student). So when they said I couldn’t drive till I was 18, I didn’t appreciate it one bit. I tried arguing and citing examples/exemplars of my friends driving around when we were 15/16, but it didn’t work. It didn’t work at all. So I respected their decision and sat around in the backseat. In my head, however, I was the best driver on the planet.

I’ve been a motorsports enthusiast since I was a child, and driving’s been something I’ve looked forward to for a while. I always imagined myself as an F1 driver, or an NFS character in-game. Except I wore a seatbelt, adhered to a speed limit and all traffic rules that existed. That’s why the car being sold was slightly sad. I thought that would be the car I first drove in, the car I got my license in and stuff.

Oh well.

The other thing I’d like to write about is how stress effects me. I feel like internally I think I don’t get stressed as much, but on the outside, I’m a ticking time-bomb. I deal with stress by closing off and becoming much more stoic – the way I speak, the things I talk about, the stuff I think, everything seems to change.

Hell, I don’t even make good jokes in this phase.

I feel like my stress comes out of some sort of fear. I’m still trying to pinpoint exactly what that is.

Here’s to hoping I get warm water tomorrow.

 

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