2019: Seventeen

Something I hear very often about myself is that I’m always on the move. People tell me “chill”, “slow down”, “oh no, you’re 5 minutes late”. I’ve never been triggered by it – because it’s a quality very inherent to me. I walk fast, I’ve got a schedule most of the time. It’s just who I am.

But for the first time, hearing it today affected me a lot for some reason. All I could think about the entire time I was off campus – a good one hour today, was whether this is how people saw me. It shook me for a while. Largely because while I do self-identify with being a busy person and keeping myself on my toes, I’m acutely aware of how lazy I am and how much I chill.

I guess my facial expressions and my mannerisms don’t reflect that to people. The only reason it concerned me is because I wondered whether people thought I was less approachable and less likely to converse with them because I’m on the move. The more I thought, the more I analyzed my own behaviour. I remember writing on this blog that I’d like to know everyone on my University campus, by name, if nothing else – and be comfortable sharing a meal with as many people as possible. Reflecting on the exchange today, all I could think about for a few minutes is whether people had thought about initiating conversation with me, but left that pursuit midway because they thought I was busy.

Or whether I’ve just not initiated conversation with people because I’ve had a place to be – whether that’s just a general check on how people are doing, or a “Hey” or a “What’s up?”

That got to me a little. Upon a lot of thinking, I don’t think I have. I do still say Hi to most people I meet on my way to my whereabouts, because I do walk quite fast.

But maybe, just maybe, considering it’s my last 3 semesters in University, I should walk a little slower. And use the pace of my walk only when I need it – like making it to a class just before the bell.

It’s also strange how the brain works. Human psyche is so confusing sometimes – it’s receptive to criticism if it chooses to be in a mood to accept criticism. But sometimes, judgement passed on you can unsettle you.

It’s weird to think that this small piece of judgement unnerved me for an hour. But it did. And I’m a Law student. I guess it’s also time that I accept my limitations a little better.

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